Do's & Don'ts for the Cosmo Girl

Cosmo, in their never ending wisdom, has given some very specific guidance to those with boyfriends, because as we all know, one relationship is exactly the same as the next. Here are some of my favorites:

Leaving Stuff at His Place

Do This: "Forget" your necklace.

Leave behind a pretty, delicate piece of jewelry (such as a little gold necklace) and he'll think of you in similar terms every time he sees it.

An obvious act of desperation, one that he's more than likely seen before, or used himself. It will incite one of two thoughts - "maybe I can pretend it's not here" or "hey, a necklace. Maybe the next girl needs a gift."

Leaving Stuff at His Place

Not That: Leave a toothbrush in his bathroom.

An unsolicited toothbrush or other toiletry will give him the impression you're moving too fast -- and may freak him out.

If you've spent enough nights at his house to plan ahead and bring a toothbrush, leaving it there probably won't freak him out. It's oral hygiene, not the Tiffany's catalogue. 

Sending Him Texts

Do This: Type "Last night was amazing. Repeat 2nite?"

Keeping your message short and provocative will ensure he stays totally intrigued.

Generally, implying that sex is on for the night will ensure he's interested for that evening, it doesn't guarantee he'll stay interested after that. Also, if you have to send the text above, it has the faint stench of a last ditch effort to keep seeing him, which it probably will be. 

Sending Him Texts

Not That: Send a message that's more than two sentences. 

To him, texting is for quick communication. Sending him a novel is analogous to a droning phone call. 

I actually agree with this one. Not saying enough, or ignoring him altogether, is a fantastic strategy. Men like to chase. Let them. Also, bonus points to Cosmo for their $10 use of "analogous". 

Wearing Lingerie

Do This: Wear a matching lace bra and underwear.

Sets that come in white or pastel colors -- think lavender or light pink -- give him a little peek at what's in store while you still look feminine and innocent. 

If you're giving him "a peek" at your bra and panties, your innocent cover is blown. 

Wearing Lingerie

Not That: Wear something he needs an engineering degree to get off of you.

Teddies and little nighties with ties, buckles, and bows are hot, but he'll be too busy trying to figure out how to get you out of it to notice how amazing you look. 

Ummmm. no. If he can't "figure out" how to get it off of you nicely, he's going to rip it off, and isn't that more fun anyway? I don't know one man who, in the course of getting a woman naked, stops, gives up, and says "I'm stumped."

Glamour's Advice on How to Land a Man

In this article, Glamour advises taking a second look at your best guy friend, based on the movie When Harry Met Sally. I'm not saying it's the worst thing in the world to marry your friend, but if it took you years to discover a sexual attraction to someone of the (presumably) opposite sex, you're probably settling.  

Maybe they seem great in comparison to what you've just experienced, but wouldn't you have noticed that when you first met them? Most women know within the first 15 minutes if they're going to sleep with someone. Even a slow girl won't take years to cultivate a friendship only to discover there's a hidden sexual attraction. What's more, they probably know things about you that you'd ordinarily not tell your spouse. There are those that would say the person you marry should know everything about you, but who really believes that? You can't tell the love of your life that you've done charity work, when he knows that the charity involved is the night you got shitfaced and took home the computer geek with the awkward haircut that you, in your boozehound gaze, thought resembled Justin Timberlake. Clearly, that guy had the time of his life, and knows it, but you experienced the walk of shame on every level the next day.  

Your soon to be realized love probably also knows all of the other details about your past boyfriends, and can bring those details up in any given argument. Who wants to constantly relive the past in a current relationship? Isn't it better to have a new relationship that's actually new, and not one that you look at with the new attitude of "well, you're no worse than what I've been doing...."

Curiosity Killed the Cat

We all have had that opportunity. yes, that golden opportunity to try to see who that person really is. What are they hiding? Are they lying to you, and you're looking for definitive proof? They're hiding something, you just know it. So we take that opportunity to look and try to see who they really are. What are you going to find? Tighty whities instead of boxers? Pictures of an ex that they're supposedly "over" but somehow the pictures have barely been hidden? Anal beads? In any case, my point is this: No matter what you find, you can't really complain too loudly. If you go looking for shit, don't complain about the way it stinks. Yes, you have new information, and it's probably information you didn't really want to know. But you're also probably passing judgement on whatever it is that you've found, all the while holding yourself on your pedestal in comparison to whatever vile thing it is you found. Maybe they're cheating on you, and now you know. You're in the wrong, too. You violated their privacy in your quest for knowledge. I'm not saying you should act as though you never went snooping. By all means, do what needs to be done. Take that information and continue on with your life, with or without said person whose preference for wearing man thongs has just been exposed. 

The Real Cock and Balls Theory

Women talk. I know, shocking. Never fear gentlemen, your lady's friends know all. Yes, including that time you thumped your leg against the bed like a rabbit in your moment of ecstasy. There's very little that is sacred between girlfriends. Don't get your boxers, tightie whities, boxer briefs, or thongs in a bunch. It's not like we tell this kind of information to the nice girl we met in the vegetable aisle at the grocery store, but this information does get shared among the best of girlfriends. As time's gone by, we've noticed a trend among men in relation to their, uh ..... member.  This is nothing new, there's been theories floating around forever; we're certainly not the first ones to throw it out there. We're just adding on to that theory about the twins as well, which is this: the size of a man's two bald men suggest his daring in life, what kind of chances he's willing to take. Is he a mover and a shaker? Or more of a thinker? Because we've noticed there's a definitive correlation, men with bigger balls tend to really go for it in life, no matter the size of his manhood (or brain, as it turns out). So if you want a man to have a lot of ambition, rather than wasting time trying to assess his "potential", you can find out all you need to know in one night. Do you crave a quieter, more stable man? check his balls, they will tell all. Whereas his giggle stick tends to suggest his confidence with women. the more intimidating the woman, men with bigger schlongs seem necessary. The smaller ones tend to shy away from the challenge and go for someone less likely to cause them to want to be swallowed whole (pun intended - HA!) in the bar. "No, thanks" seems to be a wang shrinking comment. Who knew?

Do You Come Here Often?

I was reading an article on askmen.com and it was the top 5 pick up mistakes. I have no issue with men going out there and getting some for a night, as they are usually easy to spot, therefore easy to avoid. Here's a tip - you will never meet the man of your dreams in a bar or a gym. So go to those places with your own agenda, as most likely, the other people there have their own agendas. Here's some of the advice from the article

"A real man doesn't ply a woman with alcohol and take advantage of her. A real man doesn't rely on his looks to gain a woman's affection. A real man doesn't lie about his life to pique a lady's interest. No, the Player wines and dines (and the wine isn't required), the Player doesn't flaunt his good looks but lets them speak for themselves, and the Player never lies.... he only embellishes a little."

Sound advice, n'est pas? Seems rather well thought out and respectful. And let's face it, we ALL embellish a little, so we can't really argue that last point.  Let's continue:

"...lies and deception should never be an option. The Player is an individual of class; he places women on a pedestal. No gimmicks allowed."

DOES ANYONE SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT SENTENCE?!?!?!?!?

It conjures up images of the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, trying too hard to be classy and coming off like a complete idiot, which is rather appropriate, as most "Players" are not only completely transparent in their desire to get laid, but think they're being smooth. There's nothing about a one night stand that speaks of women being on pedestals, unless literally you've got a pedestal at your place she'd look hot on. If a man is coming from a place of respect, the last thing he'd do is ask a woman to be at her most intimate only to slip out the door before she wakes up, never to be heard from again. How is a one night stand respectful? In most cases you can tell if a man is truly interested in you the person versus you the vagina based solely on how many questions he asks about you. Most "Players" ply you with drinks and unoriginal compliments, never once asking anything about who you are as a person. What you do in your free time, if you're involved in any causes. What's your opinion on the latest newsclip?  That's because they don't care. 

What's amazing is that there are a lot of men out there actually studying how to pick up women for this express purpose. There's even a ridiculous show on Vh1, aptly named The Pick Up Artist, who's real name is ambiguous, he goes by "Mystery". Jesus. Most of the men who need to study how to pick up woman are probably more the definition of a real man than the ones who just naturally have game. Because the ones who have game don't really try that hard, therefore usually can't keep a woman around. It's a never ending cycle. From what I've seen, the pick up artist "techniques" are to prey on the typical insecurities of women to their own end. And that is never classy.

The Man Store

See the guys in the photo above? If you could take all the best parts of them, and toss out the rest, you’d probably have the most perfect male being ever created. Smart, handsome, articulate, talented, sensitive, funny, um, (gulp) rich. (And don’t scream at me that I’m a gold digger! But may I ask what is wrong with being comforted by financial security?) Anyway, the reality is, there is no place where such a person is available for your selection. I think we all know at least one woman who hasn’t seemed to figure out that there is no man store. That magical place where single women can go, where the men of dreams wander around waiting to be swept off their feet. Just like anything else in life, you don’t always get exactly what you expected. Having it all your way is fine for certain things, burgers, cars, furniture. But not for PEOPLE.
We certainly expect to be accepted as we are, faults and all, so it’s difficult for me to find the end of my amazement when I meet a woman who wants to find her boyfriend at the Manstore. Really, I’ve just come to see this as a thinly veiled excuse to stay single, blowing off perfectly good guys for the stupidest of reasons. Usually by women who claim that they, “really want to find someone and settle down”. I’m forced to question if that’s really true. Because finding someone to settle down with is not a magical moment that occurs in the blink of an eye. It’s a slow transition between “you’re really great and I want to spend the majority of my time with you naked” to “you’re really great and I think I want to figure out a way to put up with the stuff about you that gets on my nerves”. I’m not sure what psychologists call this phase, but I think it should be called “holy shit I’m exhausted, we need to get dressed and start talking about what we want out of life”. I’m just not sure how women who are totally uncompromising and unwilling to tolerate even the slightest deviation from their perfect man list expect to ever get to the latter phase. And you have to, because that’s how you figure out if you want to be in it for the long haul.
If you don’t want to be in it for the long haul? Totally your decision and you can feel free to bitch away about the most trivial of inadequacies. Since no guy can last more then three weeks under such scrutiny, have some fun, and don’t worry about whether they completely fit the bill. You’ll be on to bitching about the next guy in no time anyway.

"It neither picks my pocket, nor breaks my leg"

The above quote was from one of our most revered of American forefathers, Thomas Jefferson. He was referring to the differences in religion, but I think that comment is just as relevant in our society today as it was at the time he made it. I am a happily married, heterosexual woman. I think the right of gays to marry effects my marriage and my happiness not at all.
In California, there will be a proposition on the ballot, seeking to invalidate the passing of the law(made valid just this June) enabling same sex partners to marry. Proposition 8 seeks to invalidate this law and make it impossible for same sex couples to be married. I think this proposition is discrimination, and does nothing more then seek to marginalize a part of our American population. Needless to say, I am strongly opposed to Proposition 8 and will be voting against it on November 4th. I attached this clip of Lewis Black, not only because it is HILARIOUS, but because it speaks to the heart of the matter. You can not cure the ills of this world by denying same sex couples the right to marry. And I'm not even sure why people are trying. I do know their arguments are based in fear and rhetoric, which can be very effective, I'm just hoping it won't be this November 4th.